A Light in the Rain
We have had wonderful first days of school and things have honestly been running very smoothly! Every teacher has been working overtime, but it has all been worth it so far. I cannot wait to share all about our pandemic schooling, but honestly I’m still trying to wrap my head around everything and am just taking it day by day. All I know is that I am happy to be back in school and in-person with my sweet kiddos! However, while I am beyond thrilled to be back in the classroom again, I also miss my son. Mom guilt is real and it is strong right now.
I recently told my husband that I feel like a bad mom. I have constantly been working not only at school but also at home. I usually try to save school work for when our son is down, but I’ve been so swamped recently that I’ve had to work with him by my side just because I haven’t been able to get it all done in time. Plus, I have been so tired that I find myself not playing with him much. Although he can happily entertain himself, I still desire to interact and engage with him, but my mind feels like mush at the end of the day.
Not to mention, the separation anxiety between us is quite intense. I deal with my separation anxiety with a few tears then just continue on. My toddler, however, deals with his separation anxiety a bit different. When we are together, he either wants me to hold him at all times or watches my every move to see if I’m getting ready to leave him. When I drop him off at school, he screams and has to be dragged in, even though he loves it when he’s there. Then when I pick him up after school, he runs to me laughing and gives me a big hug, all to just turn on me later in the evenings. Recently, he has been trying to hit me, especially after we’ve been away from each other all day. I discipline him and he cries and is remorseful, but it is so heartbreaking for me. We go all day without being together, then spend the evenings getting disciplined and crying.
Everyone reminds me that this is just a phase and it will get better as we get used to our new routines. I believe it will get better, but for right now it is not easy. I miss my boy and my boy misses me. We went from spending every moment together since March to abruptly spending our week days apart, so it is no wonder why we have both been struggling with separation anxiety. All I know to do right now is to keep trucking along and praying through it. Although my mom guilt is heavy at times, I know that God has called me to such a time as this and has placed us where we need to be. Our months at home together were just what we needed at the time, but now we are both back to running full force ahead the race that God has set before us.
We took a walk just the two of us today. It began to rain so I thought about rushing back home, but my boy absolutely loved walking in the rain. I braced myself for the downpour but just as it started raining harder, the sun also began shining through it all. Walking through the “sunshower” with my toddler was just what my soul needed. God just wanted to send me a little reminder that although it may feel like it’s down pouring on us right now, His light is shining through it all. So I will continue to fix my eyes on Him as we trudge through these new waters. Balancing toddler mommying and pandemic teaching may feel as though the rains are trying to overtake me at times, but I know that God’s light will always shine through the rain and cannot be overtaken.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
John 8:12
When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Hebrews 12:2
“And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.”