Worth It All

My second and last pregnancy journey is almost to an end. To say I am ready is an understatement. Not only I am ready to meet this baby girl but I am ready to be done with HG. There’s a bit of guilt and sorrow when looking at my past two pregnancies. I know there are women who would give anything to be able get pregnant and carry life in their wombs, so I definitely do not take my pregnancies for granted. But unfortunately, my ability to carry life also causes me to face life and death myself. Thankfully, my sweet babies were not effected by my sickness and grew big, beautiful, and healthy the entire pregnancies. (Lord willing, this baby girl is delivered strong and healthy.) But I was left with nothing but constant debilitating nausea, severe vomiting, upset stomach, extreme fatigue, depression, and feelings of hopelessness and uselessness. I wish I could look back at my pregnancies and feel joy, but at least I can feel grateful for the blessings of healthy babies and God’s provision throughout these hard months. Just as I felt that it was worth it all when I saw our son’s face, I know full well it will be worth it all again once we see our baby girl.

First Pregnancy Journey:

My first HG pregnancy completely caught me off guard. We had been ready to start our family for months and when we finally saw that positive test we were completely overjoyed. I was constantly looking for early pregnancy signs those first few weeks and got so excited over the smallest symptoms. Then one day, the nausea came quickly followed by nonstop vomit. My mother threw up in her pregnancies and I knew morning sickness was a symptom, so I thought my nausea and vomiting was normal. Unfortunately, I quickly learned that the amount of vomiting (20-40 times a day) was absolutely not normal.

I ended up dehydrated and in and out of the hospital for IV fluids. I eventually ended up spending a few nights hooked up to IVs until I could hold food down again. They had to try multiple different nausea medications until they finally found one that worked to keep the vomiting at bay. Unfortunately, that medication ended up making me feel neurotic after several days of use. Not only did the medicine make my head feel funny and my body feel restless, but in all the chaos I had accidentally stopped taking my anxiety medications causing my body to go through withdrawals. I ended up having problems with insomnia, restlessness, mental instability, and even body shakes and tremors. Once we realized that it was a combination of both the nausea medicine along with anxiety medication withdrawals, we were able to work with the doctor to fix it. But it took several weeks to months in order to get my body used to the anxiety meds again, causing me to drop down into a deep depression that I thought I would never get out of.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had experienced some real trauma with the extreme dehydration, hospital visits, constant vomiting, and mental instability due to medication issues. After finally finding a much safer nausea medicine that worked, the vomiting slowed down but the nausea still remained. The constant nausea, fatigue, and trauma unfortunately caused some intense depression. I no longer felt like myself and worried I never would again. I felt so ashamed for not being happy about our pregnancy, and moreover I felt extreme guilt for making no connection with the baby inside of me. In fact, I truly questioned if I would ever love the baby. Our child felt more like a parasite than a baby at the time and with all of my hormonal and chemical imbalances, I was struggling to feel any kind of joy or love. Thankfully, I had the most supportive and encouraging family to help me take the right steps forward and out of the darkness.

My sweet family was with me every step of the way from the moment I found out I was pregnant, through the sickest and darkest times, and back to my joyful self. It was a very long journey but they stuck it out with me. My parents and husband were not only my caretakers through that season, but they were a constant source of prayer and encouragement. They sat by side when I was extremely sick, took care of our home and pets, prayed over me day and night, provided for me to get counseling, as well as counseled me themselves. As I began to get counseling, I learned that I was also struggling with PTSD from the trauma I had experienced with my sudden HG sickness, hospital visits, and neurological issues from medications. While it felt good to know my feelings were validated, it also brought on more shame. I thought PTSD was for soldiers coming back from war, not for something as small as sicknesses. But the counselor helped me to see that PTSD can come from any kind of trauma. My family understood that, but I still struggled to accept it at times. I carried an enormous amount of guilt and shame for having such difficult struggles during what was supposed to be a joyful time. It wasn’t until halfway through the pregnancy when the nausea finally ceased, we found out the gender, and some joy started creeping back in.

Once we found out we were having a boy, some of the clouds started to part and I could see a bit of light. Although we would’ve been happy with a healthy girl or boy, we both wanted a boy first. And God blessed us with a boy. The news brought on joy that I hadn’t felt in months. And over the next few weeks, my nausea began to let up and I started feeling somewhat normal again. The ability to function without debilitating nausea, along with the news of our baby boy allowed for my spirits to start lifting again. I was actually able to make a registry and have showers to celebrate and get ready for his arrival. I still struggled with some depression and PTSD symptoms, but I was beginning to heal.

As the pregnancy went on, I was able to enjoy eating again. Food has never tasted so good after months of nausea and vomiting. And since the sickness had lifted and I could also feel his little movements, I was also able to start feeling a bit more connected to the little one inside of me. As time went on, my heart and my body both became bigger and bigger until it was finally time to pop. Once we saw our sweet boy’s face, any fears I had of not loving him were blown to shreds. Instead, I then struggled with more guilt and shame for the thoughts and feelings I had in the beginning. But as time went on, I learned that those thoughts are actually quite common, even more-so after going through such a traumatic experience during what should’ve been an exciting time. Although my second pregnancy has been a completely different journey, it actually wasn’t until this current pregnancy that I accepted the depression and negative thoughts I had during my first pregnancy. These last nine months have been equally as difficult in some ways and even more difficult in other ways, but I am so grateful that I did not have to struggle with the medication issues, neurological problems, shameful thoughts, PTSD, or dark depression. God has been good and I am so thankful.

Second Pregnancy Journey:

Although my pregnancy still isn’t over, I thought I’d go ahead and share the journey that my family and I have been on the last nine months. It has been much different than my first pregnancy and sadly, not exactly for the better. When I got pregnant again, I honestly thought I could fight the HG symptoms and would never have to go through that horrible illness again. But boy, oh boy, could I not have been more wrong.

I knew that I had struggled with severe nausea and vomiting during my last pregnancy but we were elated when we found out about the new baby and I was hopeful that I could use the same medication from the last pregnancy to combat any sickness that might emerge in this pregnancy. I immediately called the doctor and started on my medication. We also went ahead and told all of our family and colleagues in case nausea and vomiting took over again. But that was just a precaution because I was truly so hopeful that I would be able to fight it this time. Everything was settled and our rollercoaster ride was zooming high in the sky, until all of a sudden the vomiting returned and everything came rushing in a downward spiral.

I was only 5 weeks pregnant when the vomiting began. No matter what I ate or drank, it would all come right back up. After a weekend of nonstop vomit, I thought that going to work might distract me and keep the vomiting at bay, but by lunchtime I had already vomited ten times. Thankfully, my sweet principal already knew of this possibility and was extremely understanding. She sent me home in the middle of the day that Monday and I shockingly didn’t return for over two months. I had only spent 8 days with my new class of sweet first graders before all of a sudden abandoning them with no warning or answers for when I would return at that time. It broke my heart, but I could barely stand up and I knew I could no longer function, much less teach a classroom of small kids. When I left that day, I had no idea what was in store for the following weeks and months. It was all I could do to rush home, puke again, and lie down. The next couple of weeks and months held some of the hardest days of my life.

I left school on August 30th and was unable to feel well enough to return until November 1st, and even then I still struggled with HG. The first trimester ended up being far worse physically than my first pregnancy. The day after I left work, I ended up getting IV fluids in the ER until they felt like I could return home. Unfortunately, I was back in the ER a few days later, even more dehydrated. I couldn’t stop vomiting. They started me on IVs again but decided to keep me overnight, just like the first pregnancy. Little did I know that I wouldn’t get better so easily this time around. I ended up spending an entire week in the hospital hooked up to IVs and trying different medications but having no luck. I couldn’t even keep ice chips down without vomiting. Covid policies only allowed one visitor so my sweet husband stayed home with our son while my mom stayed with me. I was so incredibly nauseated that the sound or sight of a television, phone screen, music, or a simple conversation made me feel even worse. My poor mama just sat in the tiny hospital room with me and watched me stare holes into the ceiling. I will never forget that physical torment nor the mental and emotional feelings of frustration and anger for not being able to fight HG and the overwhelming dread of knowing how long the journey would be until it ends. I had just dropped to the lowest points of rock bottom in the blink of an eye and I knew we had an incredibly long and bumpy path back to the top.

I finally was able to keep something down after a week of fluids and meds, so I was sent back home. Sent back home to a toddler that needed me, but I was absolutely helpless myself. I could barely eat, was still vomiting at times, couldn’t walk without feeling lightheaded, and couldn’t leave my bed. For two months, I was bedridden and unable to care for myself, much less our son. My sweet husband had to be strong for both of us, working full time, taking our son to and from school, feeding and bathing him, and taking care of me in the process. I had never felt so useless and purposeless. Day in and day out, I just laid lifeless in the bed, mad at God for allowing this to happen again but also praying and pleading for God to make it stop, all while thanking God for a healthy baby despite my illness. So many emotions alongside of the nausea, vomiting, extreme fatigue, and lightheadedness.

Thankfully, I found an HG Facebook group that truly helped me not feel alone, unlike my last pregnancy. This group is filled with pregnant moms from all of the world that are or have struggled with HG. Reading their posts helped me to truly see how normal my feelings were this time around, whereas in my last pregnancy I felt so much shame and guilt. But God allowed me to find consolation in this group. Although I never knew a single woman in that group, their similar journeys helped me feel reassured in the difficulties of both of my pregnancy journeys.

Week after week went by as I watched the seasons change from my bedroom window, when finally I felt well enough to venture outdoors. I slowly began to make my way up the steep hill out of rock bottom and began seeing daylight again. I started small with little trips to the store, but even that made me feel super lightheaded. Eventually, I made longer trips like to the park with our son and dog. I was still struggling with HG but each week started to feel a bit better than the last until one day I decided I felt well enough to venture back to normal life, including going back to work. My body wasn’t strong yet, but I could no longer mentally stay at home and I knew I was well enough to try doing life again.

After being bedridden from August to November, I arrived back at work ready to take on whatever obstacles were left from my sudden leave. I’m not going to lie, teaching first graders is not a job that can be eased into and it was not an easy uphill climb. I was mentally ready to be back but my body had no stamina or endurance. I gave those kiddos all I had each day to try to make up for lost time, but by the time I picked up our son after school, I was completely spent. Every afternoon consisted of me barely making it home from his daycare just to crash on the couch and desperately wait for my husband to come home. I did what I could to help with dinner and bedtime, but I immediately went to bed after. We had already spent months in a dark place and even after I returned to normal life, things were still not normal and we had no time as a family. Things started looking up a bit more, however, when we finally found out our baby’s gender.

We both knew that this would have to be our last pregnancy, so we each secretly wanted a girl but didn’t want to admit it. We tried to stay focused on just having a healthy baby. Fortunately, our little one was still very healthy and even more-so, it was a girl! My fragile mama heart was so ecstatic. I had suffered so much over the previous months, and I had even prayed at one point for the Lord to give us a girl so that we could have one of each. God had already created her when I prayed that, but He knew what He was doing. We were and still are just so incredibly grateful for a healthy baby girl.

I wish I could say that my HG symptoms disappeared as the following weeks and months trudged along, but unfortunately my symptoms remained. Extreme nausea and fatigue became my constant companions that I never wanted. It’s a miracle I was able to get myself to work each morning and give everything I had left to give to those kids. Then somehow still give something of myself to my son. I’m not going to lie, I have felt major guilt for not being able to be all that my work and family has needed me to be during this pregnancy. But I am so thankful for a husband who has constantly reminded me of how I’m being the best mom I can be just by growing and giving all of me to our baby girl.

Now here we are in the last days of this pregnancy journey, just awaiting baby girl’s arrival. While we are only days away, my HG symptoms have spiked again in the past weeks. The nausea has become debilitating at times and the vomiting has returned some days. Fatigue and lethargy has taken over my entire body and mind. Thankfully, I started my maternity leave a couple weeks before her arrival date, allowing me the rest I need. But there are days that feel just like it did in the beginning of this journey, stuck in bed and feeling useless. I would have loved to have spent this extra time getting our home ready for her homecoming, organizing and cleaning every nook and cranny. My nesting instinct is very high, but my physical ability to accomplish anything is very low. However, despite the discouragement I feel, I am encouraged to know that we are blessed with everything we need and ready for our girl whether it’s organized or not. I can’t complain when I know God has proven faithful time and time again.

The Joy the Morning:

I wish I could say my pregnancy journeys were beautiful, but the only beautiful thing about them are the babies that were created. My son was born a big healthy boy and still is to this day. And although I’m not completely out of the woods with this current pregnancy, I am praying and believing for a smooth delivery ending with a strong healthy baby girl in my arms. Both of my pregnancies brought on the most difficult journeys I have ever been on. My physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual states were all pushed to breaking points, but the Lord has never left my side. As Psalm 30:5 says, “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” And that is exactly what the Lord has done. Through both pregnancies, God has drawn near in the darkest nights, comforted me in my sickness, strengthened me to persevere, provided for our every need, and has proven faithful every step of the way. Even though my pregnancy journeys were filled with extreme sickness that made a ripple effect into every aspect of my family’s life, I can still know and say that God is so good. The beautiful babies He has created has truly made it worth it all.